We looked at it together- at the same time. “I think you’re pregnant,” I said. “I think. I mean look at those lines- that one goes that way- but that one is faint- is that a plus? Is that line supposed to be that color? I don’t know what the hell is going on here- let’s read the directions again.”
We were excited, a bit dumbfounded, and the slightest bit unsure that our test was broken- so off I went to the store to get another pee stick. I went for one thing, just a pee stick. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t browse the aisles looking at chips. I stopped in the “Mexican” section to see if they had my favorite salsa- still no. I continued walking and turned onto the aisle I have managed to mostly avoid my entire life. Shuffling down the aisle I passed diapers and nipples, bottles and creams, Kotex and condoms. Well, I didn’t really pass the condoms- they live right next to the pregnancy tests. I stood there for an hour and contemplated the varying attributes of pee sticks. To others it looked like I was having a real hard time picking out a favorite condom that was unique and tailored just for me.
I picked the more expensive digital one- no lines or dots on this one- I didn’t want to try to read analog hieroglyphics this time.
As I walked through the store making my way to the check-out I began trying to figure out how to make the cashier feel uncomfortable- just for fun. It was a young kid with pimples- a high-schooler still learning the ropes of adolescence. I watched him ring up my chips. When he got to the pregnancy test I intentionally made a false laugh and nervously said, “Oh, that? That’s not for me, it’s for a friend”. He didn’t even flinch- not a smirk, not an eye crinkle. Wasted humor.
When I got home and walked in the door Kylie asked me what sort of awkward joke I made with the cashier. “What?!” I said, “I would never use our probable pregnancy to make cheap jokes with a stranger. You don’t even know me”.
“Oh yeah? What kind of chips did you get”?
So I ate some chips, Kylie drank some water, I ate some more chips, and Kylie peed on a fancy new stick…