Is there a force in the universe that makes a man tell dad jokes as soon as he is an expectant father? I swear there is and I cannot escape it. I used to be a funny guy- well, to me. But recently I find myself shaking my head at myself when I attempt a joke. Really guy, did you just say that? I should slap you upside the head.
Take yesterday for example, we were just wrapping up our first visit with the OB
GYN. We all had a great conversation, well, I mostly sat there and listened to her ask Kylie questions and Kylie ask her questions. Really I just felt I was a bit of an inconvenience as the nurse had to go find a chair for me to sit on. But then when she asked us if we had any more questions at the end of the session I decided to display my wit, “I’ve been suffering from Couvade syndrome and I was wondering if you had any suggestions for me.” Kylie laughed. Our Obstetrician nervously laughed, probably only because we were both laughing and she didn’t want to be left out. Then she asked, “What’s, what is that?” As with any other joke that becomes unfunny when you have explain it, this one unraveled quickly. I explained what it was and she said she didn’t know there was a name for that condition. Awkward!
We also had our first ultrasound done yesterday and it’s absolutely true- we saw it with our own eyes- Kylie has a little mexican inside her! And that thing was moving around like a jumping bean! And we saw the heart beat holy shit! It was a little flutter bug! We got to see it in 3-d, which quite frankly looks a little freaky to me but Ky thinks it is cute. I’d post a picture but it looks pretty much like the one I drew in the last post. They were also able to give us a more refined due date- June 8th!
They gave us tons of pamphlets and magazines and options for chromosomal blood testing and a big book that had some way too graphic pictures of childbirth. Seriously, it was a photo of a guy holding up his squatted partner by the armpits, then you gaze down and there is head sticking out of her vajay- it didn’t look like either of them were having any fun. Anyway, it’s a lot sift through. It’s a lot to talk about also- there are certain windows when some tests are better, some can’t be done for a while, and they are all optional. It seems to me that all these tests should just be included, but we have to decide whether or not to get them done. And even if we do they are not one hundred percent conclusive- there is a risk of false positives and false negative that then get confirmed with more tests that could still be false positive/false negative. I don’t know what we will decide to do, but you won’t hear about anymore of that here. I am just surprised by all the little but huge decisions we have to make before Scout even scoots its way out.
So that was our visit- a very positive one. So far, so good, and that was the only news we wanted to hear.
This is not about Scout’s developing baby brain, it’s about my distracted one. Scout is a little over nine weeks now- the size of a grape- or an olive. I’m pretty sure it’s brain is not really there right now. But! Scout will apparently be developing gonads or or ovaries this week- and a four chambered heart! And toes! Cute little toes the size of engorged fleas I imagine. I would show you a general picture off the internet but it’s more fun to imagine a snail without a shell or antennae, floating around in a uterus the size of a grapefruit. Oh what the hell, I’ll draw you one…
As Scout is growing and progressing, I seem to be losing myself a little at a time. Sure, insert hair joke here but this is serious. My brain is losing focus at home. Weird little things keep happening and I blame Scout. I’m still to young for dementia I think. As of now it seems mostly to do with food. Here are a couple examples:
- Mazzy and I shared some smoked salmon a couple of weeks ago (her idea, not mine). But when I went to look for it a couple days later I found it in the freezer instead of the refrigerator. I know, small thing, but not like me.
- Another fishy example- we baked some cod last week. I grabbed some tupperware out of the cabinet and put the leftovers in it. When I couldn’t find it in the fridge the next day I figured Kylie ate it. I was surprised to find it a couple days later in the tupperware I put it in, inside the cabinet I got the tupperware from.
- Last night we made pizza. My job is to brush oil on the crust so it gets crispy (it’s about the only thing I can handle). Well, last night after putting some oil in a small bowl, I forgot I was holding it in my hand and started moving around like an inflatable wacky waving tube man (the kind hooked up to a fan outside a failing business). Needless to say I got oil all over the floor an we slipped around making pizza the rest of the night.
- Kylie found empty candy wrappers in the freezer. It is actually normal for me to put empty candy wrappers in the freezer- I don’t want Kylie to see the wrappers in the trash can the next morning- she doesn’t need to know how much candy I eat! But the abnormal thing here is I have been forgetting to throw the wrappers away the next day- I never forget to secretly dispose of my candy wrappers. Embarrassing!
I know those seem like small things- but they are huge in my world- and they’ve never happened before I’ve had Scout on my mind. Luckily I’m too busy at work to make these kinds of mistakes. It’s only been happening at home while my mind wanders. Hopefully it will stay at home and not enter my bartending life. Can you imagine getting a White Russian with raspberry puree instead of cream- because that’s the kind of stuff that might start happening.
But there actually is a syndrome that the partner of a pregnant woman can suffer called Couvade syndrome. I do not suffer from that as far as I can tell. It is also referred to as sympathetic pregnancy. The partner may gain some weight (which I have- but very little), experience nausea, and can even experience labor pains and such. I watched an episode of House once that portrayed a guy in the midst of Couvade syndrome. He was in more pain than his pregnant wife. I’m pretty sure that episode ended with a football coming out of his anus or something- but that could just be my babybrain remembering things wrong- go figure.